Tuesday, May 3, 2016
It's nights like tonight that I wonder "what the hell you're doing?" And its nights like tonight that I can imagine myself easily calling you. But, its also nights like tonight that make me realize, thats not an option anymore.
Its that whole best friend factor, the biggest factor that has run my entire life. How do you go on without your best friend? But, maybe we weren't the best of friends in the end. Maybe, my head allowed itself to create this illusion of you and it wasn't really you.
And then there are nights like this that I sit and contemplate over and over and over again, how in the world did I open up so wide and without reservation?
There are so many song lyrics that remind me of myself. And I cynically smile to myself, imagining people knowing the real me. But, maybe I don't really know the real me, I know parts of me and you knew parts of me. I know, the dark pieces that most don't want to know about, because if they know someone else's dark pieces they will be forced to face their own. But, you knew my darkest places. Now, people just know the exterior, the bookworm, the yogi, the teacher. The last several months, I've been a closed book. I'm drained at working on open conversations with one word answers and I am so fucking stubborn to open up to people, because whats the point of bearing your flesh, your heart, your mind only for one word answers.
I guess if I look closely at myself, I want a real conversation. One with sharing and questioning and openness. And this need for conversation, is like a burning fire within me, its burning my insides begging to be released into the open. I want to be a part of peoples past, their present, their future. I guess I am just tired, of fighting and prying, to find my place in people's story so I've landed in the ditch of dark places.