Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Beautiful Choas

Someday's I am a giant fucking mess. Most days its easy, I can fake a smile better than anyone and somedays you can catch me actually smiling. Somedays I feel happy, and content. And others I just want to cry, I am sad and lonely.

I am a practiced magician, just share enough that there are no arising questions. But, not enough that you feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability, thats a feeling that I don't allow myself to feel. At least its not one thats willingly brought on. No, when you are vulnerable, you set yourself up for hurt. And at an early age that is something I vowed not to do.

Here is the thing, when life is chaos you learn to survive it. You manage, you find layers to cover yourself with, so you are invincible. You become a super hero in your own story.

In the long run, those layers get thicker, and amazingly you become stronger. Or so you think, but maybe you actually become weaker. To this strange point that nothing phases you. And people leaving becomes something that you get used to, that you expect it from most of the people you meet.  You learn fast that people are willing to make broken promises easily, anything to make the moment in time better, or for them to get what they want. Or you learn that most people are too wrapped up in there own lives to care about yours. And sometimes they end up caring to much, to the point where it terrifies you that you can mean that much to someone.And then there are moments, when you give your all, allowing yourself to be completely intoxicated by the ones around you, you trust them with everything you have, and those are the ones that become the most dangerous ones. For those are the ones that have so much control over your being that when they shatter you, everything you once valued, believed and were passionate about becomes non-existent. There is also that point where you feel empty, because you refuse to be vulnerable so, those around you aren't vulnerable either. And its this repeated cycle of fighting against vulnerability making yourself believe that you are actually protecting yourself.

You always hear that "you don't hurt, the people you love." And then you begin to question everything about existence when you get hurt by someone that claims to have loved you. And its that fucked up moment when you are staring at someone that has told you so many times that they love you, tear you into pieces. And the worst of it all, is as they are tearing apart  your existence they still claim to love you.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Come close enough to lay me down in the ground

Lay me down by the  river, lay me down in the dirt
Maybe I am going to heaven or maybe I'll haunt you from earth
You may think that you know me
but, the truth in the matter:  you don't 
And its this sad part of reality which makes you realize
You don't want to know me at all

Maybe I scare you
Terrify you
Maybe I tend to inspire you
Surprise you

Maybe I am not good with my words
But, you're no king of words yourself
Maybe you're not good with feelings
But, honestly I may just be no good at living 

Let me be raw with you
Listen to the words that I speak
Stop shutting me down with your emptiness
Changing the subject so quick

Maybe I mean absolutely nothing to you
Maybe one day that can change
But, at least for today 
The feeling of loneliness lingers
No desire left in its wake

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Learning to love myself and others in a world thats less then perfect

You guys know the drill by now, small girl, LOUD writer.

First and for most Happy Valentines Day! May the little cute angel in a diaper shoot you with an arrow and may you have a happily ever after. After all, everyone deserves a happily ever after.

Okay, okay I'll get serious now.

A few days ago, I had this deep conversation with my best friend. We talked about loving others and the importance of learning how to love ourselves. Which led to talking about trust and how humans learn how to trust, as well as the value of it. Or the complete opposite happens and we learn to not trust because we were never taught how to do it, or we have seen one to many reasons as to why we probably shouldn't.

While we were having this conversation and reflecting back on our childhoods. It made me realize that  my childhood trauma has a huge affect on my life. I have talked before about my fear of being touched and how its something that I deal with every day.  For a very long time, I have hated myself for my anxiety, whether it be social, physical or emotional. I have hated myself.

I was around  12 years old when my anxiety was at its peak, and I remember telling my mom that I hate myself. I was sobbing, and repeating over an over again trying to convince her that she should hate me too.  One thing that stayed with me from that time, is my mom saying " I can tell you, I love you a million times, but if you don't love yourself you won't be able to accept my love no matter how much I love you."

Its been a journey, I am still learning to love myself.  And I think that as much as today is about the people you love, it is a lot about the love you have for yourself. That day that my mom told me that " no matter how much she loved me, if I didn't love myself, I wouldn't feel it," stayed with me. It has stayed with me through my relationships and it made me realize as much as we need the love of others, we need the love from ourselves first.

So,  I am sure you're wondering what "loving" myself looks like. And let me tell you, loving myself looks like: it is a girl sharing her life with this blog, it is a girl recognizing when her brain is running in circles and saying I need a break, it looks like a girl having her nose stuck in a book or you will find this girl loving herself through meditation and yoga, and loving myself looks like praying for the health and happiness of myself and the ones that are important in my life.  But, most importantly loving myself looks like being present in the life I am given by supporting and encouraging the ones that are important to me to be present in their life.

I can't change a lot of the marbles in my jar, but I can change the way I look at them. And if I don't accomplish anything else in my life, I do want to accomplish this, I want to continue to learn to love all aspects of myself even the ones I feel to be unloveable. I want to continue learning to love the  qualities and souls of the people around me. In the end, we are all just shells, and our souls are the ones yearning to be loved.

So, I'll leave you with this: Learn to love the qualities you have, your size is perfect, that croaked smile thats perfect too, the thinning hair, or the negative outlook thats perfect, the break up you just went through, thats perfect, your amazing marriage or your shitty marriage, thats perfect, whatever you may be dealing with in life today, thats perfect. And if you feel like you are alone, (throwing a self- pity party, because lets be honest we have all done this at one point or another) thats perfect too.

And if you are like me still learning to love yourself and the ones around you, thats perfect too.


Sunday, February 7, 2016

Understanding Cat Ladies

I have always wondered about those ladies that lived alone and had a million cats, I am sure you have wondered about them too. But, coming home after a weekend of being surrounded by people I love, and being met at the door only by some furry friends made me feel completely and utterly alone. And it made me think of all the other people that are not being met at the door by furry friends and how lonely they must feel.

It was this huge, massive monster just engulfing my entire being and nothing seemed right in the world. It was a feeling that hasn't happened in a long time and it was frightening. This big swell of emotion hit me and tears poured down my face as I tried to make sense of it. It made me grasp the idea, that the best part of friendship and being surrounding by people that complete you and make you happy is that you can share yourself with them.

So, coming back to those ladies with a million cats,  we all assume they are crazy because they walk around muttering to themselves and keep bringing in more and more cats into there home when there is no room to walk because it is cluttered with cat toys and food bowls. Those may be the loneliest people looking for company. Look for those people and let them know you're around. Allow them to share their story with you.

In the end, life is just a big story, and what do you do with great stories? We tell them.  If your feeling lonely, know
there is another lonely person looking up at the same sky as you, seeing the same stars and know in that moment you have at least one other person to feel lonely with and in that moment you may just not feel lonely at all.