Sunday, February 7, 2016

Understanding Cat Ladies

I have always wondered about those ladies that lived alone and had a million cats, I am sure you have wondered about them too. But, coming home after a weekend of being surrounded by people I love, and being met at the door only by some furry friends made me feel completely and utterly alone. And it made me think of all the other people that are not being met at the door by furry friends and how lonely they must feel.

It was this huge, massive monster just engulfing my entire being and nothing seemed right in the world. It was a feeling that hasn't happened in a long time and it was frightening. This big swell of emotion hit me and tears poured down my face as I tried to make sense of it. It made me grasp the idea, that the best part of friendship and being surrounding by people that complete you and make you happy is that you can share yourself with them.

So, coming back to those ladies with a million cats,  we all assume they are crazy because they walk around muttering to themselves and keep bringing in more and more cats into there home when there is no room to walk because it is cluttered with cat toys and food bowls. Those may be the loneliest people looking for company. Look for those people and let them know you're around. Allow them to share their story with you.

In the end, life is just a big story, and what do you do with great stories? We tell them.  If your feeling lonely, know
there is another lonely person looking up at the same sky as you, seeing the same stars and know in that moment you have at least one other person to feel lonely with and in that moment you may just not feel lonely at all.


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Living Life with the Fear of Being Touched

It's a Thursday, so here are some Thursday thoughts. I've wanted to write about this for sometime but I never knew how to approach it. Ever heard of the term Haphephobia, the fear of being touched? Touch, one of the most common senses that we use to interact with one another everyday. What we may not take into account is those around us may fear of being touched.

I have never spoken about it openly, and but those that are close to me know that I have the fear of being touched, they also know when my fear is on high alert. One thing that makes it hard, to live with this fear, is the fact that people may misinterpret when you pull back, or involuntarily cringe from being touched. There are times that my body is covered in goose bumps or chills when I feel uncomfortable with the person that is touching me. Sometimes, I may even pull away. I never mean it as a disrespectful gesture or trying to hurt anyone by it. Its just an automatic response that occurs when I feel uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I took a seminar where I met one of my now very close friends, there was a point when this person came up to me and gave me a hug. My entire mind and body went on high alert, wondering why would they hug me, why are they touching me? I knew even at that time that the person wasn't going to hurt me by any means but my body went into defense mode. Later, I opened up to the person about my reaction to their touch. I told them that my anxiety was off the charts and that I was even shocked that the person would offer me a hug.

Living with the fear of being touched, is one of my biggest struggles. Its not easy, some days you just have to "fake it till you make it", when other days you just want to isolate yourself from everyone and be alone, and then there are days where you want to hug everyone and welcome hugs from people but you will not voice it. My fear is part of my anxiety, and some days its worse then others. I can pin point the moment in my life when my fear became my fear, this fear was born when I was about 6 years old.

Recently, I have done something that is absolutely unreasonable to help me conquer a little bit of my fear, I signed up for a swing class, granted if it wasn't taught by my friend I would never have stepped foot into a partner dancing class. Needless, to say every week I battle my fear. Every day I welcome a hug, a hand holding gesture and if you are really lucky you get to dance with me. But, every day even behind the brave, smiling face there lingers the mist of fear.

In the end of the day I am grateful for still having people in my life that love me, and help me conquer my fear. Thank you to those that have seen me at my worst, and that have been told on multiple occasions to stop touching me. Thank you to those that have shared their life with me and have earned my trust, that touch is no longer a barrier between us. And I am sorry to those that may have to see me at my worst. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

If you know someone living with anxiety, please be kind and patient with them, at the end of the day they will appreciate you more than you possibly know.  

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Grateful Post

So, I figured that tomorrow I probably will not be able to write out this post due to a super busy family day, so I wanted to get it out there in the world tonight.

First and foremost, happy thanksgiving to you all. I hope that today you take a moment and be grateful for the little things, reflect on the positives and think on how the negatives can be turned around. I am thankful for this blog(s) being part of my life and sharing pieces of myself with my readers.

The big question of thanksgiving: What are you thankful for?

Here are some highlights of the year so far:

I guess this is a great time to just reflect on the year that has been quickly speeding past my eyes. I am so thankful to have been able to go to Israel this past summer. I never actually expected myself to go there and absorb the culture and all the different lifestyles. But, this past summer I found myself getting on a plane with at least 50 other college students and flying 6,774 miles away from home. It was thrilling, and scary all at the same because I didn't know what to expect. But, it has been one of my favorite experiences of my life, not only did I see a remarkable magical country, but I made an Isreali and brand new San Diego family. I am fortunate to have met amazing people and best of all tasted some of the best food in the world. But, my favorite part was swimming under a waterfall, and singing "Lean on me", at the top of my lungs and trying laughing yoga for the first time.

Within this very short year, I am super grateful to have gone through the Landmark forum. One thing that I gained from being a part of it was that I WILL lead an EXTRAORDINARY life. Which means, that the possibility of doing special effects makeup and becoming licensed in cosmetology isn't that far off. And while we are creating possibilities, I am creating the possibility that by 2018 I will be a licensed yoga instructor. So, in short this past couple months taught me that I can create anything I want in my life. And I am grateful that I have the power to lead a happy and colorful life. If you can dream it, you can do it.

And although this year has been full of events that changed my life and I am grateful for each and everyone of them, I am most grateful for the people that are in my life. I am absolutely thankful to have a pair of amazing parents, I give them a run for their money for sure. But, they have loved and accepted me for the person I am and support me to be the best person I can be, and I can not thank them enough for that. I am blessed and thankful to have a dad who adopted me as his own and is my best friend. I am thankful for a mom, who has never given up on me, even on my worst days she has always been there to support me and to challenge me. I am grateful for the new friendships and relationships that have entered my life, and stronger connections with my kitty fam, skittles and Lo lo. I am grateful for new adventures with a wonderful a man I am lucky to call my boyfriend. Thank you for going along with all my crazy ideas,being my friend, telling me stories and allowing me to have my chocolate chip cookies before "real" dinner.  I am blessed to know you and am thankful for having you part of my life.

To many, many, new adventures.

To close this one off, I am extremely thankful for being an artist, yogi and a writer, for this blog, my novel, my youtube videos, make-up projects and photography.  I am absolutely 110 percent grateful to let my soul be part of my passions and let people experience who I am through my work.

Know that you are loved, valued and perfect the way you are. You can do anything that you want and no dream of yours is unreachable.

One Love,


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Every Rose has a Thorn

I haven't sat down and written one of these for a VERY long time. But, I have actually missed it a little.

So, I am not  going to sugar coat it, I'm just going to write. I don't know how this is going to turn out. But, here it goes.

The past few days I have been really questioning life. I came to the conclusion that we live like we are invincible. When in reality, the time we have on this earth is so precious and so limited. We just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. And although we don't know this, we still live life as if one day something magical is going to click in our brains and all of a sudden we will be able to reach our dreams, talk to that one person that has been on our mind, make a lot of money or drop 10 pounds.

But, lets step back. What the hell is stopping you? And the only thing that comes into my mind is FEAR!!!!

We are all frightened, even the bravest of us are afraid. We are afraid of being vulnerable and we fear rejection. At least those are some of my common fears. But, what does it all really mean? Does it mean that you are REJECTED,  and UNWANTED? Or is that something that you told yourself you are.  Does being VULNERABLE make you weak or do we tell ourselves that if we are truly authentic and brutally honest with ourselves that we are going to be weak. So, we sit here analyzing situations and creating barrier after barrier. But, the whole irony in this is, that we are waiting for someone to come help you break those barriers down.  These barriers are like layers in the winter that we keep putting on. But, we have the power to take those barriers down. You are powerful, you are strong, and  you can do anything.

I guess that brings me to my thoughts from the last couple days.... Starting with Today!

Today, someone said " I noticed that you have been sad." The saying I had heard about twice already. And yes, I have been sad because I used to know a beautiful person, that is no longer here with us. And I want to shout from the top of my lungs, "It wasn't enough time." But, no one choses how much time they get. I want to beg for a do over.  To get to know a person all over again. To be OPEN.

I guess my barrier is regret. Regret for not making the most of every single situation. So, I am challenging myself to get to know people without have regrets. Which would mean I will have to be vulnerable.

But, that FEAR that we have keeps us from being real with a people from the first moment you meet them. So, I would like to think that we only have 24 hours to really get to know a person. How are they going to change your life? How are you going to change their life?

So, I challenge you to be vulnerable with one person in the next few days, to really get to know them. Even people that you may have known your whole life can become strangers as we get caught up in the  hectic events of our daily lives. Open up, and share your dreams, share your story, share your LOVE.  And remember people are dying to get to know you, be open to the possibility of letting them.



Monday, September 24, 2012


So, in the recent few months there has been this one topic that has been constantly on the edge of my mind, heartbreak.

HEARTBREAK, everyone experiences it at least once at some point in there life. But, I feel like in the last several months I have seen and felt more heartbreak then I could imagine.

I think the worst part of heartbreak, isn't even your own heartbreak. Which, you may say sounds super silly, but I feel like the heart hurts more when you're watching the people you love suffer, and the pain that is going on inside of them is plain to see across their faces. It tortured me to just sit back and be an onlooker, completely helpless and not knowing how to heal them. As they felt pain, and went through their personal hell, all I wanted to do was take their pain away and make them whole again, to make their days a little bit more bearable.

The funny thing about heartbreak, is it doesn't matter how long ago your heart was broken. The pain of a broken heart may be as fresh as this mornings tea, or ancient as Confucius himself. And I came to realize that their isn't one person that is completely innocent of a solid heart.

I can't explain how a broken heart feels like, almost like you're heart is ripped out of chest and disposed off. But, before its disposed of its tortured and it tries to protect itself, all its defense go up and at that moment, everything connected to the heart, the brain and all bodily functions turn off. There is a moment that you turn into a complete vegetable. There isn't any special medicine to make you feel alright, but, their are friends and time. Eventually, a band-aid is put upon the hole that was made.

I almost feel like the ones, that break your heart make a connection with you. Not necessarily a bad one either,some can become your bestest friends, and others leave taking pieces of you. I guess, everyone who breaks your heart holds a piece of you, which can sound sick that they don't allow you to be set free but their is something beautiful about it too. I guess I see it as, love as much as you can and if your heart gets broken in the end, that one piece gets to travel with the person who has taken it with them.

I guess after seeing and experiencing a broken heart, you take a step back from reality, almost pushing and shoving it away. At least that's how I see myself, I feel like opening up and trusting someone completely is like leaping off a building knowing there isn't anything to catch you when you hit the ground.

I am not a strong believer of love, never having any great love models to show me that its actually possible, I feel like sometimes I am biased about it. And I don't admit that maybe just maybe, I want someone to prove me wrong.

In the end I think that heartbreak, is about forgiving. Revenge is silly, hate is silly, so forgive ease your heart and allow it to open up again.


A silly girl with a lot of thoughts

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Its A Little Bit More Peaceful

So, in the ideal world, I should be doing homework, but in this world, with this mind, too many thoughts are active for that.

Its a wonder, how things fall togather and how they can fall apart. I haven't figured out how they fall apart nor how they fall togather. But, for some odd reason people will enter and leave your life. Thats just how it is. There is no choosing on who comes and who goes, its like it is written out somewhere and you have no control of anyone or anything.

In recent days I have realized that you, yourself and only yourself can make you happy. You make your destiny and you, choose who you want in your life, who you don't. But, at the same time people can make the same choice and choose who they want in their life.

A wise friend told me, he knows that, "no matter what goes on, everything will be okay." Believing him was not a choice I wanted to make, it's not easy in a time of hardness to believe that everything will be alright and that you will get through it. But the funny thing, I have come to realize is that you can get through anything.

As human beings, we are stubborn and we make life hard on ourselves. When in all reality life is just a bunch of puzzle peices and you need to find them and piece them togather. Along the way, you will stumble, you will fall, and you may just find treasure.

I am not looking forward to stumbling, but maybe falling with no gravity is alright. Feeling the lightness of the world around you I think would be just fine. And as always, finding treasure, because it is treasure it will be unexpected and suprisingly welcoming.

So, today I am happy. Today, an almost complete stranger made me smile. Today, life doesnt seem so difficult. And all will be well.


The girl who is just figuring it all out

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Back to Blogging: Yes, I have been gone a while.

Hey Guys,

So, I have been gone from blogging for a while, which is defiantly not like me. :( Unfortunatly, I will for the time period, not be keeping up with my YouTube channel. And I feel like an apology is in order. The reason for that is I simply dont have any time. For my Book Fan Fam, there will be reviews on Goodreads. For my other readers, I will start to blog more often, I hope.

I am hoping to be getting back into writting because that is what I am passionate about. So, hopefully you will all hang in there with as I get back into the swing of things.:)

This was just a little blog to let you know what has been going on. Thank you all for your support through these years, especailly the book community on youtube and goodreads.:)