Monday, April 25, 2016

The Sound of Healing is the Choice of Living

To be a writer is to write blindly, at one point in time someone even said to me "I sit here writing to you blindly".  That was one of the moments in my life I felt completely and utterly loved. Chivalry is quite dead, but then there are those that surprise me. I am a true believer that you can fall in love with multiple people, at different times in your life.  Your heart is a muscle after all. And each person shapes you and gives you memories that you hold on to forever, because isn't experiencing life really what its all about?

I always wanted to believe that there is this one crazy, out of control type of love. But, as I get older I come to realize that maybe that crazy spiraling out of control love has to do with how much we love and cherish ourselves. I truly believe that you can't love someone else, until you love yourself. And thats such a complicated concept, because there are so many things you will do as a human that will make you hate yourself. And on top of that add the expectations of society upon you, self love is a difficult concept to master.

I guess this is a reminder to myself most of all then anything else to love myself. I often forget  how important self- love is.

There was a time when I would come up to my mom, and ask her " Mom, do you love me?" and I always knew that she would say yes, but I think that there is something to words that people miss.  I think they are very validating to those of us who speak more so in the written form than in any other form. Its reassuring. Its liberating. Its healing.

I learned through time that every person has their own language that they are comfortable to speak through, mine tends to be letters. Some speak through lyrics, dedicating songs to you. Others, dedicating their passions. But, I think it is important to find your own language.  Its important to share, I suck at sharing. And mostly because, I don't want to share and not be shared back with. And maybe that is selfish, maybe some people are incapable of sharing, or they are sharing but there is miscommunication. Which makes me a little selfish to want to experience people.  Somedays, I want to share my story but other days I want to hear other peoples story. I want to live in a fulfilled world, where sharing happens because you are filled with so much emotion that it is literally too much for one person alone to bare.

Which leads me to wonder, if broken hearts are at first like a shattering vase, falling and breaking into a thousand pieces. And then slowly, the vase gets put back together but its not perfect as it once was. It has ridges and parts of it are rough around the edges. In my mind the vase smooths over, overtime. Like a rock that sparkles in the sun, because it has been constantly rolled back and forth and back and forth in the sand giving it a luster feel. And then overtime, people are ready to share.

I guess in the end of the day, I like the feeling of knowing that I loved. I think its a comforting feeling to know your heart has been broken before. Its almost reassuring because, if you are capable of loving after you have been broken then you truly know about living.

I guess I'll sign off with this, I've loved, I've lost, loved again but most importantly I've also truly lived.


Monday, April 18, 2016

Migrating through the Winter

I never thought that I could feel so completely broken
It's like searching for the exit, down a long hallway
That never ending hallway
The closer I get
The longer it grows

I never knew my heart can feel so hallow
On days like this I just want to call you up
Drive over and turn that Good Charlotte CD on
The one, we couldn't get enough

Our endless chatter
Hot cheetos and cream cheese
Half-smoked cigarettes

Black Coffee
Your nails painted Black
Like your hair in your freshmen picture

Its like I turn it feels like your here
Like you're supposed to be
But, its moments like this that I realize that
you were taken to young

There is so much to say
Your phone number lingers on my speed dial
As the first person to call when in trouble
The first person to call when all was alright

I'm left with our memories
Our intertwined life resembled on pictures
Like migrating birds in the winter

I miss you today
I'll miss you tomorrow
Forever and ever
My bestfriend you'll be

<3Forever Young, See you at the cross lines V.G.

Monday, March 21, 2016

I'm not just anybody's daughter, I'm theirs

I've been blessed in my life to know the love of two fathers. And although that love comes with a lot of resentment, fear, confusion, and abandonment, it also comes with a lot of laughter, happiness and joy.

To the man, I call dad on a daily basis I am forever grateful to have you in my life. There are so many moments in time, that I have thought of how easy it is to not accept your significant others child. I have thought so many times that, the man I call dad could have rejected me. But, the reason he is my hero, is because he has shown me unconditional love without the presence of DNA. I can't explain the feeling when someone who years ago was a stranger to you, now calls you his daughter without holding anything back. And as the child, you feel the love, compassion and adoration coming from a man you now call dad without any reservations, well it feels a little like flying.

As years passed this man, who gets called dad, became my best friend and my partner in crime. He has supported me through my crazy experiments, from dying my hair blue to coming home with a nose piercing. On more than one occasion has he wiped my tears over a cup of tea, listening to me crying over a broken heart, a melt down over math homework or out of my control work stress.  He is one of the first people I will call to share something good, and the first person I call to ask for advice when things are a little rough. But, the point of this is unconditional love has nothing to do with who you gives you their DNA, its all about who gives you their heart.

And to the man, that gave me the best first 11 years of my life, I want to say thank you. I want to thank you, because you gave me life. You were never perfect, but as I got older I realized that your imperfections were perfect. The things I hated you for, were things that you did to make my life in a strange and twisted way better. I hated that you were always working late and I was home alone but what I didn't understand was that although you worked till the wee hours of the morning and I had to take care of myself not only were you teaching me to be a stronger person, but to value the little time that we spent together. I hated you, for leaving me and what I at the time considered was abandonment was really the best gift you could have ever given me. You gave me the gift of knowing another man, who comes just as equally important in my life as you once were. You gave me the gift to know what it is like to be loved, completely and unconditionally. But, most of all by you leaving you gave me the gift of having a family.

Today, I don't blame you for leaving, I don't hold that against you because I now understand that I was never the reason that you left. Leaving was something that you needed to do to grow and live your life to the fullest of your ability. And with relief I wish you nothing but happiness, and I wish that you can one day experience being part of a family. I know that some other little girl will be lucky to have you in her life.

And to that little girl, all I can say is; he will fuck up, we all do but in some way he will give you the most treasured gift of all his presence, his love and whatever little time that he has will be yours. Nothing is ever sealed in stone, and while he is around love him like there is no tomorrow and make him your hero, because no matter how much he screws up his intentions are always good, because he does want you to be the luckiest girl in the world.

Nothing is ever perfect, and some relationships aren't meant to last forever. Remind yourself to love all the little imperfections of people, because they are perfect and they are the way they are supposed to be. Don't rush time, everything will happens in the right moment and for the right reason.

One Love,

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Beautiful Choas

Someday's I am a giant fucking mess. Most days its easy, I can fake a smile better than anyone and somedays you can catch me actually smiling. Somedays I feel happy, and content. And others I just want to cry, I am sad and lonely.

I am a practiced magician, just share enough that there are no arising questions. But, not enough that you feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability, thats a feeling that I don't allow myself to feel. At least its not one thats willingly brought on. No, when you are vulnerable, you set yourself up for hurt. And at an early age that is something I vowed not to do.

Here is the thing, when life is chaos you learn to survive it. You manage, you find layers to cover yourself with, so you are invincible. You become a super hero in your own story.

In the long run, those layers get thicker, and amazingly you become stronger. Or so you think, but maybe you actually become weaker. To this strange point that nothing phases you. And people leaving becomes something that you get used to, that you expect it from most of the people you meet.  You learn fast that people are willing to make broken promises easily, anything to make the moment in time better, or for them to get what they want. Or you learn that most people are too wrapped up in there own lives to care about yours. And sometimes they end up caring to much, to the point where it terrifies you that you can mean that much to someone.And then there are moments, when you give your all, allowing yourself to be completely intoxicated by the ones around you, you trust them with everything you have, and those are the ones that become the most dangerous ones. For those are the ones that have so much control over your being that when they shatter you, everything you once valued, believed and were passionate about becomes non-existent. There is also that point where you feel empty, because you refuse to be vulnerable so, those around you aren't vulnerable either. And its this repeated cycle of fighting against vulnerability making yourself believe that you are actually protecting yourself.

You always hear that "you don't hurt, the people you love." And then you begin to question everything about existence when you get hurt by someone that claims to have loved you. And its that fucked up moment when you are staring at someone that has told you so many times that they love you, tear you into pieces. And the worst of it all, is as they are tearing apart  your existence they still claim to love you.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Come close enough to lay me down in the ground

Lay me down by the  river, lay me down in the dirt
Maybe I am going to heaven or maybe I'll haunt you from earth
You may think that you know me
but, the truth in the matter:  you don't 
And its this sad part of reality which makes you realize
You don't want to know me at all

Maybe I scare you
Terrify you
Maybe I tend to inspire you
Surprise you

Maybe I am not good with my words
But, you're no king of words yourself
Maybe you're not good with feelings
But, honestly I may just be no good at living 

Let me be raw with you
Listen to the words that I speak
Stop shutting me down with your emptiness
Changing the subject so quick

Maybe I mean absolutely nothing to you
Maybe one day that can change
But, at least for today 
The feeling of loneliness lingers
No desire left in its wake

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Learning to love myself and others in a world thats less then perfect

You guys know the drill by now, small girl, LOUD writer.

First and for most Happy Valentines Day! May the little cute angel in a diaper shoot you with an arrow and may you have a happily ever after. After all, everyone deserves a happily ever after.

Okay, okay I'll get serious now.

A few days ago, I had this deep conversation with my best friend. We talked about loving others and the importance of learning how to love ourselves. Which led to talking about trust and how humans learn how to trust, as well as the value of it. Or the complete opposite happens and we learn to not trust because we were never taught how to do it, or we have seen one to many reasons as to why we probably shouldn't.

While we were having this conversation and reflecting back on our childhoods. It made me realize that  my childhood trauma has a huge affect on my life. I have talked before about my fear of being touched and how its something that I deal with every day.  For a very long time, I have hated myself for my anxiety, whether it be social, physical or emotional. I have hated myself.

I was around  12 years old when my anxiety was at its peak, and I remember telling my mom that I hate myself. I was sobbing, and repeating over an over again trying to convince her that she should hate me too.  One thing that stayed with me from that time, is my mom saying " I can tell you, I love you a million times, but if you don't love yourself you won't be able to accept my love no matter how much I love you."

Its been a journey, I am still learning to love myself.  And I think that as much as today is about the people you love, it is a lot about the love you have for yourself. That day that my mom told me that " no matter how much she loved me, if I didn't love myself, I wouldn't feel it," stayed with me. It has stayed with me through my relationships and it made me realize as much as we need the love of others, we need the love from ourselves first.

So,  I am sure you're wondering what "loving" myself looks like. And let me tell you, loving myself looks like: it is a girl sharing her life with this blog, it is a girl recognizing when her brain is running in circles and saying I need a break, it looks like a girl having her nose stuck in a book or you will find this girl loving herself through meditation and yoga, and loving myself looks like praying for the health and happiness of myself and the ones that are important in my life.  But, most importantly loving myself looks like being present in the life I am given by supporting and encouraging the ones that are important to me to be present in their life.

I can't change a lot of the marbles in my jar, but I can change the way I look at them. And if I don't accomplish anything else in my life, I do want to accomplish this, I want to continue to learn to love all aspects of myself even the ones I feel to be unloveable. I want to continue learning to love the  qualities and souls of the people around me. In the end, we are all just shells, and our souls are the ones yearning to be loved.

So, I'll leave you with this: Learn to love the qualities you have, your size is perfect, that croaked smile thats perfect too, the thinning hair, or the negative outlook thats perfect, the break up you just went through, thats perfect, your amazing marriage or your shitty marriage, thats perfect, whatever you may be dealing with in life today, thats perfect. And if you feel like you are alone, (throwing a self- pity party, because lets be honest we have all done this at one point or another) thats perfect too.

And if you are like me still learning to love yourself and the ones around you, thats perfect too.


Sunday, February 7, 2016

Understanding Cat Ladies

I have always wondered about those ladies that lived alone and had a million cats, I am sure you have wondered about them too. But, coming home after a weekend of being surrounded by people I love, and being met at the door only by some furry friends made me feel completely and utterly alone. And it made me think of all the other people that are not being met at the door by furry friends and how lonely they must feel.

It was this huge, massive monster just engulfing my entire being and nothing seemed right in the world. It was a feeling that hasn't happened in a long time and it was frightening. This big swell of emotion hit me and tears poured down my face as I tried to make sense of it. It made me grasp the idea, that the best part of friendship and being surrounding by people that complete you and make you happy is that you can share yourself with them.

So, coming back to those ladies with a million cats,  we all assume they are crazy because they walk around muttering to themselves and keep bringing in more and more cats into there home when there is no room to walk because it is cluttered with cat toys and food bowls. Those may be the loneliest people looking for company. Look for those people and let them know you're around. Allow them to share their story with you.

In the end, life is just a big story, and what do you do with great stories? We tell them.  If your feeling lonely, know
there is another lonely person looking up at the same sky as you, seeing the same stars and know in that moment you have at least one other person to feel lonely with and in that moment you may just not feel lonely at all.