Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Someday's I am a giant fucking mess. Most days its easy, I can fake a smile better than anyone and somedays you can catch me actually smiling. Somedays I feel happy, and content. And others I just want to cry, I am sad and lonely.
I am a practiced magician, just share enough that there are no arising questions. But, not enough that you feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability, thats a feeling that I don't allow myself to feel. At least its not one thats willingly brought on. No, when you are vulnerable, you set yourself up for hurt. And at an early age that is something I vowed not to do.
Here is the thing, when life is chaos you learn to survive it. You manage, you find layers to cover yourself with, so you are invincible. You become a super hero in your own story.
In the long run, those layers get thicker, and amazingly you become stronger. Or so you think, but maybe you actually become weaker. To this strange point that nothing phases you. And people leaving becomes something that you get used to, that you expect it from most of the people you meet. You learn fast that people are willing to make broken promises easily, anything to make the moment in time better, or for them to get what they want. Or you learn that most people are too wrapped up in there own lives to care about yours. And sometimes they end up caring to much, to the point where it terrifies you that you can mean that much to someone.And then there are moments, when you give your all, allowing yourself to be completely intoxicated by the ones around you, you trust them with everything you have, and those are the ones that become the most dangerous ones. For those are the ones that have so much control over your being that when they shatter you, everything you once valued, believed and were passionate about becomes non-existent. There is also that point where you feel empty, because you refuse to be vulnerable so, those around you aren't vulnerable either. And its this repeated cycle of fighting against vulnerability making yourself believe that you are actually protecting yourself.
You always hear that "you don't hurt, the people you love." And then you begin to question everything about existence when you get hurt by someone that claims to have loved you. And its that fucked up moment when you are staring at someone that has told you so many times that they love you, tear you into pieces. And the worst of it all, is as they are tearing apart your existence they still claim to love you.