Sunday, February 14, 2016

Learning to love myself and others in a world thats less then perfect

You guys know the drill by now, small girl, LOUD writer.

First and for most Happy Valentines Day! May the little cute angel in a diaper shoot you with an arrow and may you have a happily ever after. After all, everyone deserves a happily ever after.

Okay, okay I'll get serious now.

A few days ago, I had this deep conversation with my best friend. We talked about loving others and the importance of learning how to love ourselves. Which led to talking about trust and how humans learn how to trust, as well as the value of it. Or the complete opposite happens and we learn to not trust because we were never taught how to do it, or we have seen one to many reasons as to why we probably shouldn't.

While we were having this conversation and reflecting back on our childhoods. It made me realize that  my childhood trauma has a huge affect on my life. I have talked before about my fear of being touched and how its something that I deal with every day.  For a very long time, I have hated myself for my anxiety, whether it be social, physical or emotional. I have hated myself.

I was around  12 years old when my anxiety was at its peak, and I remember telling my mom that I hate myself. I was sobbing, and repeating over an over again trying to convince her that she should hate me too.  One thing that stayed with me from that time, is my mom saying " I can tell you, I love you a million times, but if you don't love yourself you won't be able to accept my love no matter how much I love you."

Its been a journey, I am still learning to love myself.  And I think that as much as today is about the people you love, it is a lot about the love you have for yourself. That day that my mom told me that " no matter how much she loved me, if I didn't love myself, I wouldn't feel it," stayed with me. It has stayed with me through my relationships and it made me realize as much as we need the love of others, we need the love from ourselves first.

So,  I am sure you're wondering what "loving" myself looks like. And let me tell you, loving myself looks like: it is a girl sharing her life with this blog, it is a girl recognizing when her brain is running in circles and saying I need a break, it looks like a girl having her nose stuck in a book or you will find this girl loving herself through meditation and yoga, and loving myself looks like praying for the health and happiness of myself and the ones that are important in my life.  But, most importantly loving myself looks like being present in the life I am given by supporting and encouraging the ones that are important to me to be present in their life.

I can't change a lot of the marbles in my jar, but I can change the way I look at them. And if I don't accomplish anything else in my life, I do want to accomplish this, I want to continue to learn to love all aspects of myself even the ones I feel to be unloveable. I want to continue learning to love the  qualities and souls of the people around me. In the end, we are all just shells, and our souls are the ones yearning to be loved.

So, I'll leave you with this: Learn to love the qualities you have, your size is perfect, that croaked smile thats perfect too, the thinning hair, or the negative outlook thats perfect, the break up you just went through, thats perfect, your amazing marriage or your shitty marriage, thats perfect, whatever you may be dealing with in life today, thats perfect. And if you feel like you are alone, (throwing a self- pity party, because lets be honest we have all done this at one point or another) thats perfect too.

And if you are like me still learning to love yourself and the ones around you, thats perfect too.


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