I'm not just anybody's daughter, I'm theirs

I've been blessed in my life to know the love of two fathers. And although that love comes with a lot of resentment, fear, confusion, and abandonment, it also comes with a lot of laughter, happiness and joy.

To the man, I call dad on a daily basis I am forever grateful to have you in my life. There are so many moments in time, that I have thought of how easy it is to not accept your significant others child. I have thought so many times that, the man I call dad could have rejected me. But, the reason he is my hero, is because he has shown me unconditional love without the presence of DNA. I can't explain the feeling when someone who years ago was a stranger to you, now calls you his daughter without holding anything back. And as the child, you feel the love, compassion and adoration coming from a man you now call dad without any reservations, well it feels a little like flying.

As years passed this man, who gets called dad, became my best friend and my partner in crime. He has supported me through my crazy experiments, from dying my hair blue to coming home with a nose piercing. On more than one occasion has he wiped my tears over a cup of tea, listening to me crying over a broken heart, a melt down over math homework or out of my control work stress.  He is one of the first people I will call to share something good, and the first person I call to ask for advice when things are a little rough. But, the point of this is unconditional love has nothing to do with who you gives you their DNA, its all about who gives you their heart.

And to the man, that gave me the best first 11 years of my life, I want to say thank you. I want to thank you, because you gave me life. You were never perfect, but as I got older I realized that your imperfections were perfect. The things I hated you for, were things that you did to make my life in a strange and twisted way better. I hated that you were always working late and I was home alone but what I didn't understand was that although you worked till the wee hours of the morning and I had to take care of myself not only were you teaching me to be a stronger person, but to value the little time that we spent together. I hated you, for leaving me and what I at the time considered was abandonment was really the best gift you could have ever given me. You gave me the gift of knowing another man, who comes just as equally important in my life as you once were. You gave me the gift to know what it is like to be loved, completely and unconditionally. But, most of all by you leaving you gave me the gift of having a family.

Today, I don't blame you for leaving, I don't hold that against you because I now understand that I was never the reason that you left. Leaving was something that you needed to do to grow and live your life to the fullest of your ability. And with relief I wish you nothing but happiness, and I wish that you can one day experience being part of a family. I know that some other little girl will be lucky to have you in her life.

And to that little girl, all I can say is; he will fuck up, we all do but in some way he will give you the most treasured gift of all his presence, his love and whatever little time that he has will be yours. Nothing is ever sealed in stone, and while he is around love him like there is no tomorrow and make him your hero, because no matter how much he screws up his intentions are always good, because he does want you to be the luckiest girl in the world.

Nothing is ever perfect, and some relationships aren't meant to last forever. Remind yourself to love all the little imperfections of people, because they are perfect and they are the way they are supposed to be. Don't rush time, everything will happens in the right moment and for the right reason.

One Love,
Rina

Beautiful Choas

Someday's I am a giant fucking mess. Most days its easy, I can fake a smile better than anyone and somedays you can catch me actually smiling. Somedays I feel happy, and content. And others I just want to cry, I am sad and lonely.

I am a practiced magician, just share enough that there are no arising questions. But, not enough that you feel vulnerable.

Vulnerability, thats a feeling that I don't allow myself to feel. At least its not one thats willingly brought on. No, when you are vulnerable, you set yourself up for hurt. And at an early age that is something I vowed not to do.

Here is the thing, when life is chaos you learn to survive it. You manage, you find layers to cover yourself with, so you are invincible. You become a super hero in your own story.

In the long run, those layers get thicker, and amazingly you become stronger. Or so you think, but maybe you actually become weaker. To this strange point that nothing phases you. And people leaving becomes something that you get used to, that you expect it from most of the people you meet.  You learn fast that people are willing to make broken promises easily, anything to make the moment in time better, or for them to get what they want. Or you learn that most people are too wrapped up in there own lives to care about yours. And sometimes they end up caring to much, to the point where it terrifies you that you can mean that much to someone.And then there are moments, when you give your all, allowing yourself to be completely intoxicated by the ones around you, you trust them with everything you have, and those are the ones that become the most dangerous ones. For those are the ones that have so much control over your being that when they shatter you, everything you once valued, believed and were passionate about becomes non-existent. There is also that point where you feel empty, because you refuse to be vulnerable so, those around you aren't vulnerable either. And its this repeated cycle of fighting against vulnerability making yourself believe that you are actually protecting yourself.

You always hear that "you don't hurt, the people you love." And then you begin to question everything about existence when you get hurt by someone that claims to have loved you. And its that fucked up moment when you are staring at someone that has told you so many times that they love you, tear you into pieces. And the worst of it all, is as they are tearing apart  your existence they still claim to love you.

Come close enough to lay me down in the ground

Lay me down by the  river, lay me down in the dirt

Maybe I am going to heaven or maybe I'll haunt you from earth

You may think that you know me

but, the truth in the matter:  you don't 

And its this sad part of reality which makes you realize

You don't want to know me at all

Maybe I scare you

Frighten 

Terrify you

Maybe I tend to inspire you

Surprise you

Entince

Maybe I am not good with my words

But, you're no king of words yourself

Maybe you're not good with feelings

But, honestly I may just be no good at living 

Let me be raw with you

Listen to the words that I speak

Stop shutting me down with your emptiness

Changing the subject so quick

Maybe I mean absolutely nothing to you

Maybe one day that can change

But, at least for today 

The feeling of loneliness lingers

No desire left in its wake

Learning to love myself and others in a world thats less then perfect

You guys know the drill by now, small girl, LOUD writer.

First and for most Happy Valentines Day! May the little cute angel in a diaper shoot you with an arrow and may you have a happily ever after. After all, everyone deserves a happily ever after.

Okay, okay I'll get serious now.

A few days ago, I had this deep conversation with my best friend. We talked about loving others and the importance of learning how to love ourselves. Which led to talking about trust and how humans learn how to trust, as well as the value of it. Or the complete opposite happens and we learn to not trust because we were never taught how to do it, or we have seen one to many reasons as to why we probably shouldn't.

While we were having this conversation and reflecting back on our childhoods. It made me realize that  my childhood trauma has a huge affect on my life. I have talked before about my fear of being touched and how its something that I deal with every day.  For a very long time, I have hated myself for my anxiety, whether it be social, physical or emotional. I have hated myself.

I was around  12 years old when my anxiety was at its peak, and I remember telling my mom that I hate myself. I was sobbing, and repeating over an over again trying to convince her that she should hate me too.  One thing that stayed with me from that time, is my mom saying " I can tell you, I love you a million times, but if you don't love yourself you won't be able to accept my love no matter how much I love you."

Its been a journey, I am still learning to love myself.  And I think that as much as today is about the people you love, it is a lot about the love you have for yourself. That day that my mom told me that " no matter how much she loved me, if I didn't love myself, I wouldn't feel it," stayed with me. It has stayed with me through my relationships and it made me realize as much as we need the love of others, we need the love from ourselves first.

So,  I am sure you're wondering what "loving" myself looks like. And let me tell you, loving myself looks like: it is a girl sharing her life with this blog, it is a girl recognizing when her brain is running in circles and saying I need a break, it looks like a girl having her nose stuck in a book or you will find this girl loving herself through meditation and yoga, and loving myself looks like praying for the health and happiness of myself and the ones that are important in my life.  But, most importantly loving myself looks like being present in the life I am given by supporting and encouraging the ones that are important to me to be present in their life.

I can't change a lot of the marbles in my jar, but I can change the way I look at them. And if I don't accomplish anything else in my life, I do want to accomplish this, I want to continue to learn to love all aspects of myself even the ones I feel to be unloveable. I want to continue learning to love the  qualities and souls of the people around me. In the end, we are all just shells, and our souls are the ones yearning to be loved.

So, I'll leave you with this: Learn to love the qualities you have, your size is perfect, that croaked smile thats perfect too, the thinning hair, or the negative outlook thats perfect, the break up you just went through, thats perfect, your amazing marriage or your shitty marriage, thats perfect, whatever you may be dealing with in life today, thats perfect. And if you feel like you are alone, (throwing a self- pity party, because lets be honest we have all done this at one point or another) thats perfect too.

And if you are like me still learning to love yourself and the ones around you, thats perfect too.

Rina

Understanding Cat Ladies

I have always wondered about those ladies that lived alone and had a million cats, I am sure you have wondered about them too. But, coming home after a weekend of being surrounded by people I love, and being met at the door only by some furry friends made me feel completely and utterly alone. And it made me think of all the other people that are not being met at the door by furry friends and how lonely they must feel.

It was this huge, massive monster just engulfing my entire being and nothing seemed right in the world. It was a feeling that hasn't happened in a long time and it was frightening. This big swell of emotion hit me and tears poured down my face as I tried to make sense of it. It made me grasp the idea, that the best part of friendship and being surrounding by people that complete you and make you happy is that you can share yourself with them.

So, coming back to those ladies with a million cats,  we all assume they are crazy because they walk around muttering to themselves and keep bringing in more and more cats into there home when there is no room to walk because it is cluttered with cat toys and food bowls. Those may be the loneliest people looking for company. Look for those people and let them know you're around. Allow them to share their story with you.

In the end, life is just a big story, and what do you do with great stories? We tell them.  If your feeling lonely, know
there is another lonely person looking up at the same sky as you, seeing the same stars and know in that moment you have at least one other person to feel lonely with and in that moment you may just not feel lonely at all.

Rina

Living Life with the Fear of Being Touched

It's a Thursday, so here are some Thursday thoughts. I've wanted to write about this for sometime but I never knew how to approach it. Ever heard of the term Haphephobia, the fear of being touched? Touch, one of the most common senses that we use to interact with one another everyday. What we may not take into account is those around us may fear of being touched.

I have never spoken about it openly, and but those that are close to me know that I have the fear of being touched, they also know when my fear is on high alert. One thing that makes it hard, to live with this fear, is the fact that people may misinterpret when you pull back, or involuntarily cringe from being touched. There are times that my body is covered in goose bumps or chills when I feel uncomfortable with the person that is touching me. Sometimes, I may even pull away. I never mean it as a disrespectful gesture or trying to hurt anyone by it. Its just an automatic response that occurs when I feel uncomfortable.

A few months ago, I took a seminar where I met one of my now very close friends, there was a point when this person came up to me and gave me a hug. My entire mind and body went on high alert, wondering why would they hug me, why are they touching me? I knew even at that time that the person wasn't going to hurt me by any means but my body went into defense mode. Later, I opened up to the person about my reaction to their touch. I told them that my anxiety was off the charts and that I was even shocked that the person would offer me a hug.

Living with the fear of being touched, is one of my biggest struggles. Its not easy, some days you just have to "fake it till you make it", when other days you just want to isolate yourself from everyone and be alone, and then there are days where you want to hug everyone and welcome hugs from people but you will not voice it. My fear is part of my anxiety, and some days its worse then others. I can pin point the moment in my life when my fear became my fear, this fear was born when I was about 6 years old.

Recently, I have done something that is absolutely unreasonable to help me conquer a little bit of my fear, I signed up for a swing class, granted if it wasn't taught by my friend I would never have stepped foot into a partner dancing class. Needless, to say every week I battle my fear. Every day I welcome a hug, a hand holding gesture and if you are really lucky you get to dance with me. But, every day even behind the brave, smiling face there lingers the mist of fear.

In the end of the day I am grateful for still having people in my life that love me, and help me conquer my fear. Thank you to those that have seen me at my worst, and that have been told on multiple occasions to stop touching me. Thank you to those that have shared their life with me and have earned my trust, that touch is no longer a barrier between us. And I am sorry to those that may have to see me at my worst. I love you all from the bottom of my heart.

If you know someone living with anxiety, please be kind and patient with them, at the end of the day they will appreciate you more than you possibly know.  

The Grateful Post

So, I figured that tomorrow I probably will not be able to write out this post due to a super busy family day, so I wanted to get it out there in the world tonight.

First and foremost, happy thanksgiving to you all. I hope that today you take a moment and be grateful for the little things, reflect on the positives and think on how the negatives can be turned around. I am thankful for this blog(s) being part of my life and sharing pieces of myself with my readers.

The big question of thanksgiving: What are you thankful for?

Here are some highlights of the year so far:

I guess this is a great time to just reflect on the year that has been quickly speeding past my eyes. I am so thankful to have been able to go to Israel this past summer. I never actually expected myself to go there and absorb the culture and all the different lifestyles. But, this past summer I found myself getting on a plane with at least 50 other college students and flying 6,774 miles away from home. It was thrilling, and scary all at the same because I didn't know what to expect. But, it has been one of my favorite experiences of my life, not only did I see a remarkable magical country, but I made an Isreali and brand new San Diego family. I am fortunate to have met amazing people and best of all tasted some of the best food in the world. But, my favorite part was swimming under a waterfall, and singing "Lean on me", at the top of my lungs and trying laughing yoga for the first time.

Within this very short year, I am super grateful to have gone through the Landmark forum. One thing that I gained from being a part of it was that I WILL lead an EXTRAORDINARY life. Which means, that the possibility of doing special effects makeup and becoming licensed in cosmetology isn't that far off. And while we are creating possibilities, I am creating the possibility that by 2018 I will be a licensed yoga instructor. So, in short this past couple months taught me that I can create anything I want in my life. And I am grateful that I have the power to lead a happy and colorful life. If you can dream it, you can do it.

And although this year has been full of events that changed my life and I am grateful for each and everyone of them, I am most grateful for the people that are in my life. I am absolutely thankful to have a pair of amazing parents, I give them a run for their money for sure. But, they have loved and accepted me for the person I am and support me to be the best person I can be, and I can not thank them enough for that. I am blessed and thankful to have a dad who adopted me as his own and is my best friend. I am thankful for a mom, who has never given up on me, even on my worst days she has always been there to support me and to challenge me. I am grateful for the new friendships and relationships that have entered my life, and stronger connections with my kitty fam, skittles and Lo lo. I am grateful for new adventures with a wonderful a man I am lucky to call my boyfriend. Thank you for going along with all my crazy ideas,being my friend, telling me stories and allowing me to have my chocolate chip cookies before "real" dinner.  I am blessed to know you and am thankful for having you part of my life.

To many, many, new adventures.

To close this one off, I am extremely thankful for being an artist, yogi and a writer, for this blog, my novel, my youtube videos, make-up projects and photography.  I am absolutely 110 percent grateful to let my soul be part of my passions and let people experience who I am through my work.

Know that you are loved, valued and perfect the way you are. You can do anything that you want and no dream of yours is unreachable.

One Love,

Rina